A woman is in the midst of giving birth to her second child when her first, whom she has rejected and neglected all her life, dies.
My first experience of motherhood was not very inspiring. I was sixteen when I got pregnant and I gave birth to Daniel when I was just seventeen. To say I wasn’t ready to be a mother was an understatement. I wasn’t even ready to be a woman.
Don’t talk to me about contraception and responsibility. I didn’t want Daniel’s father, I didn’t want any of that. I hated him, and I hated the baby growing inside me even more.
I told my mom, and at first she didn’t believe me. Honestly ? She didn’t want to believe me. Daniel’s father was a family friend, a smiling man who was always there to help Dad out of his troubles.
No, my mom wouldn’t believe me, until she took me to the doctor and they discovered that Daniel was growing inside me like a tumor, a parasite feeding on my pain.
I had the baby, of course. No other options were considered. My mom believed me when she told me I was pregnant that Sunday lunch, and the family friend I trusted turned white and broke the glass he was holding.
Do not dwell on your sorrows, turn to love and forgiveness.
She believed me and I know she argued with him without my dad knowing because there was a lot of money for my doctors and maternity clothes.
From there, there was money to hire a tutor who came to the house so that I could attend school without really going there. Oh yes, she believed me.
When Daniel was born, I refused to breastfeed him, I didn’t even want to touch him. I told my mom I wanted to give her up, but she said it was our blood. We do not give our family.
Since she couldn’t force me, she ended up taking care of him herself. His crib was moved to my dad and mom’s room, and I rarely saw Daniel. When I saw him, I noticed that he looked more and more like his father as he grew older.
I refused to let being Daniel’s mother interfere with my life. I went on to my senior year of high school and got brilliant grades. I went to prom with a boy named Ryan and I was wearing a pretty pink dress.
As soon as I walked through my parents’ door, there was no more Daniel.
Ironically, he adored me. He was constantly watching me, tugging at my dress for attention, and staring at me with big, moist brown eyes. He disgusted me.
I told my parents that I had applied for college and was going to work to get there, but my mother told me that it was not necessary. My university would be paid.
I then understood that my mother was charging Daniel’s father more than he needed. It wasn’t a problem for me. He owed me everything he stole from me: my trust, my childhood, my illusions.
I went to college, and I loved it. I did very well, and at the age of 23, I graduated with honors. A year later, I passed the bar and was recruited by an excellent law firm in Boston.
For the next five years, I only came home for Christmas and Thanksgiving, if I could call my parents’ house home. The visits were a nightmare, with Daniel clinging to me constantly, demanding my attention.
Then I met Jake. Jake was a client, the CEO of a software company he founded. I helped him manage a merger, and we ended up having our own merger. I married Jake in Aruba.
It was a small intimate wedding to which my parents and my son were not invited. I took Jake to meet them and Daniel. I didn’t particularly enjoy the visit, but to my surprise, Jake and Daniel hit it off.
«We could have Daniel move in with us,» Jake suggested, «He’s a great kid. »
I said no ! so harshly and emphatically that Jake never spoke about it again. Anyway, Jake soon became too engrossed in my pregnancy. Yes, I was pregnant again, and this time I was ecstatic.
Ironically, Daniel’s pregnancy had been perfect, but my second pregnancy was labeled high risk. I was ordered on total bed rest until delivery, which for me was a nightmare.
My mother called me every day and insisted that I Zoom with Daniel. Honestly, what did I have to say to this kid? It was my mother. She sincerely believed that love heals everything, but of course it doesn’t.
One afternoon, she called, looking particularly tired and worried. “Carol,” she said. “Please let me bring Daniel to see you. »
«I’m on bed rest, mom,» I protested.
«We won’t tire you…» she said pleadingly. » Please. »
«I don’t want to see him, mum!» Can’t you put it in your head? » I screamed. “I can’t get angry! »
«Please, Carol,» she said softly. «Can’t you find some love in your heart for Daniel? He needs you. »
» NOPE ! I said angrily. » You do not understand ? I never wanted him! I was a child, mother, a child! »
My mother looked very sad. “Daniel is too,” she said softly.
After this conversation, her calls became less frequent, and when I called her, she seemed distracted. Two months later, labor began. The doctors immediately opted for a caesarean section.
When they placed my beautiful baby girl in my arms, I thought my heart would burst with love. Jake was there, by my side, tears in his eyes, and smiling like an idiot.
«She’s so beautiful, Carol!» he repeated. » I love you ! I love you ! »
I immediately called my mother. » Mom ! » I screamed. “You have a new granddaughter. Looked ! I held up the phone so she could see the baby I was cradling, but my mom didn’t smile.
» Mom ? » I asked. » Is everything alright ? Is dad okay? Where are you ? »
My mom bit her lip and shook her head, then tears started to roll down her cheeks. «I’m in the hospital, Carol,» she said softly. “Daniel passed away an hour ago. »
“Daniel? I asked without thinking. «Daniel what?» »
«He’s dead, Carol,» my mother said. «Do you remember his headaches?» Doctors diagnosed a tumor. They couldn’t do anything, only put him at ease, make his last days as happy as possible. »
«Why didn’t you tell me? » I asked.
«It was a high risk pregnancy, I didn’t mean to upset you, Carol,» my mother said, then added bitterly, «Would that have made a difference?» «.
«No,» I whispered. » I suppose not. »
I hung up the phone and looked down at my little girl. A pain point formed in my chest, robbing me of my breath.
«Daniel,» I said to Jake. “Daniel is gone, he is dead, Jake. He is dead. Jake’s arms were around me, and he was hugging and stroking me like I was a hurt child, and I realized I was sobbing. «He’s gone, he’s gone,» I shouted.
I seem to see Daniel in front of me, looking at me with so much love, holding a bunch of wilted flowers he picked for me, or showing me his notes, desperately seeking my love and approval.
I had let him down, I had let my little boy down. I blamed him for being his father’s son, and I forgot that he was also MY son, my baby. I looked down at the baby in my arms. «You had a big brother,» I whispered. “And he was wonderful. »
I was determined that my little girl would be loved by both parents. I would be the mother Daniel needed and deserved. It was time for me to put aside bitterness and anger. It was time to love.
Jake and I went to Daniel’s funeral, and as I stood by his grave, I begged him to forgive me. A gentle breeze touched the tears on my cheeks, and the pain disappeared. My boy loved me, he forgave me, and I was able to forgive myself.
What can we learn from this story?
Children are blameless and should not pay for their parents’ mistakes. Carol remembered Daniel’s father every time she looked at him, and that caused her to turn away from her son.
Don’t dwell on your sorrows. Turn to love and forgiveness. Carole wasted years in her bitterness and anger and missed the opportunity to love her son.
